What followed "You have too many shoes."

"You should wear cleats."

Would you like that for here or to go?

"I remember September 11 but I don't want to buy more of that."

Your boy vs. My boy

"You get your boy Ravi Shankar and my boy Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey?"

If you were actually a rapper, you'd be called Easy M.

"If I was a rapper, I'd use the rhyme Garrison, you're so embarrassin'"

"French? Who speaks French?"

"... the French don't even speak French."

1914 Chicago Cubs

"You're in Nowhereland -- shopping for silliness."

Gayetarian

"Look that one up, Bozo."

What he recommended I tell chubby girls at Whole Foods

"Italy called. They want their pizza back."

"I hope I look like that in six years."

"Urinal Baton"

As I passed him in the hall, I told Mark that I'd take the next leg in the restroom relay. He said something about passing me "the urinal baton." Man, that guy says a bunch of dumb crap.